I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
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