I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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