I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
