I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
