I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
