Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
