You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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