So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he fucked my hip out of place.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Randomize
