If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
