Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
