I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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