There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
