you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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