How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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