Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
