At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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