I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
