Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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