You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
