Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
