it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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