just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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