I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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