He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
