I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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