pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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