I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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