That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
