wanna go halves on a baby?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Come see our sink grown plant.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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