He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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