In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
