why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
