dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
