I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
