I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
