Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
