i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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