That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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