I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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