sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
the raccoons are back...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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