At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
