it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
