Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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