finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
