can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
