And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
