There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
