At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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