Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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