the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
